Having fun with Sex

Dra. Charley Ferrer

If you’re not having fun during sex, why do it!  Making love, having sex, being wild and adventurous should never be boring or overshadowed by fear.  As an adult, it’s your right to enjoy your sexuality to its fullest in whatever manner you deem appropriate for you whether by yourself or with another consenting adult.  Below are ten helpful hits to help you bring spice into your sex life and rekindle those flames. 

Tip #1: The Decision:  It doesn’t matter what you plan to do, where you plan to do it, how you plan to engage in it, or whom you plan to share it with, the first thing you need to do is make a decision.  Do you plan to be sexual or not? Do you plan to embrace your sensual and sexual nature, or not?  If your answer is “no”, then you don’t need to read further.  However, if the answer is an exuberant “yes” or a shy “maybe in the future” then taking these steps will help you derive the greatest satisfaction from your sex life.

As an adult, you have the right to claim your sensual and sexual divinity.  Never allow anyone to take that away from you; not the government, righteous leaders, or friends and family. 

If you find yourself unsure or apprehensive about having sex because of the risks of pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections, you are not alone.  Many men and women worry. You don’t have to deny yourself the pleasures of being sexual merely because you want to ensure to protect yourself against unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections; all you need is a little pre-planning, some creativity, a little boldness and a dash of courage and you’re all set to enjoy sex—even safe sex—that’ll be orgasmic, erotic and deliciously fulfilling. Below are a few tips to get you started.

Tip #2:  Learn about sex.  Everything we want to be good at in life takes a bit of learning; from walking, to learning your multiplication tables, to learning to type (how else would you write all those emails), and my personal favorite—learning to cook “arroz con dulcie”.  It’s all about exploring and discovering something new!  Sex is no different.  And sex that fills you with tremendous pleasure and satisfaction making you giggle and smile days later as you remember starts with your mind is the best sex of all.  There are lots of great books available to teach you about the joys of sex; everything from technical explanations to emotional connections, spiritual awakenings, and making relationships better. However, reading a relationships book is not the same as reading a “how-to” have sex book that explains the “in’s and out’s”. (Chuckles—pun not intended.)  Let’s forego for now the more elaborate sexual position books, most people can’t even get into three of those positions much less bend like a pretzel or hold their breath long enough for their chichos (love handles) not to show.  Sex is about having fun!  If you’re frustrated about trying to get into position and staying in it, you’re not having fun and you’ll get turned off—not to mention your partner won’t enjoy it either.  One book to review is my new book, The Latina Kama Sutra – El Kama Sutra Latino: La Ultima Guia deEncuentros, Sexo y Placeres Eroticos which provides you with seven basic sexual positions, everyone can enjoy regardless of physical abilities or weight.  These sexual positions are:  Adorar (where the man and woman lay side by side, one behind the other); El Amor (the basic man on top of the woman); Del Corazon (oral sex); La Diosa (woman on top); El Entrego (anal sex); La Reina (where the woman positions herself over the man’s face for oral sex taking on a more dominant role); and Vaquera (the woman rides the male in wild abandon).  Other great books on sex and sexual techniques are Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort and The Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein and Felice Picano.  These books keep it simple and provide you with basics.  Later you can get into the “sacred cow” and “inverted bird” positions if you really want to. 

Learning about sex also includes learning about Toys—all those deliciously decadent adult toys that we point and giggle at with our friends. Adult Sex Toys serve a wonderful purpose.  They remind you that sex is about having fun.  Ensure to add a few books about adult sex toys to your reading list.  One of my favorite books is, Toy Gasms! The Insider’s Guide to Sex Toys and Technique by Sadie Allison. If you’ve ever wondered what to do and how use some of the various toys available, this book covers it all.

Videos are another wonderful tool to use in your sexual education.  There are literally thousands of videos out there.  Yes, most of them were made for male sexual gratification and have no plot and the actors well…ok they’re not really there to act; but they do show you the mechanics of sex.  However there are some really good educational videos out there as well.  I’d recommend the Sinclair Institute’s, Better Sex Series, as well as the videos produced by Dr. Joseph Kramer who runs The New School of Erotic Touch in California www.erotictouch.com.   It’s important to remember that a little embarrassment will occur while watching these videos, especially with your friends or partner, and you may even get turned on as well—that’s ok and totally normal.  Joke about it and move on.  Allow yourself to learn from the videos, see what works for you, keep what you like and discard the rest.

Tip #3:  Condoms, Lubs, & Dental Dams.  It’s not merely important to learn what to do, it’s essential to learn how to protect yourself as well.  If you’re exploring sexually and are not ready to become a parent, then ladies ensure to employ some preventive measures and use birth control devices such as the pill, diaphragms, the patch or whatever else works best for you.  It is not the man’s job to take care of this for you—but yours to protect yourself!  Always use condoms especially if you are not sure about the other person’s sexual history or if they have past challenges with infidelity.  If a condom isn’t available then enjoy non-penetrative sex such as mutual masturbation, touching, Mind-Pleasures, and explore new ways of being sensual. Condoms are no longer a luxury but a necessity.  Keep them everywhere for easy access:  in your purse; in the car; in the kitchen drawer; your bathroom; by the bed; even on your keychain or back pocket.  I carry mine with me all the time in a little pink box that says: “Good Girl’s Calling Card”.  Carrying condoms doesn’t make you a slut, it makes you a mature intelligent woman (or man) who takes control of her own life.

Condoms come in various textures and flavors—enjoy them all.  There are over 15 flavors to include peppermint, pina colada, grape, cola, and cherry.  There’s also various textures like extra thin and ribbed—for her pleasure and his.  They also make female condoms which are a bit of a pain-in-the-butt to keep in place since they tend to slip and are pushed into the vagina during fast thrusting; and they are very handing for anal sex and massage. 

Dental Dams are also helpful for oral sex on a woman.  It’s merely a plastic square about 4x4 inches which you place over the vulva prior to oral sex thus preventing genital fluid contact. If you forget to purchase one or they’re not available in your area, cut up a non-lubricated condom and walla…there you have it.  You can also use a piece Cling Wrap (not the microwaveable kind as that has holes).  To make it more enjoyable spread a little flavored lubricant on it.

Though using condoms and dental dams is essential when engaging in sexual relations with individuals you don’t know too well or aren’t sure of their sexual history, they are also fun to use with your spouse or lover.  The essence of pleasure is variety.  Just because you’re in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you should limit yourself. Try those ribbed condoms with your partner, you’ll be glad you did.  

And of course, we’ve yet to talk about who puts the condom on and how!  Ladies, it’s not only safe to ensure he puts the condom on correctly, but it’s very erotic to put it on for him as well.  Not only are you “checking his packet” to ensure there are no sores, warts (arrugas), or infections, but you’re also looking at him intimately as well, and touching him.  You can even stroke him or run your fingertips over the length of his flesh to help him harden prior to placing the condom on since a penis must be erect in order for the condom to be placed on properly.  Many men find a woman placing the condom on him erotic and it also shows her commitment to their sexual health since men are just as likely to contact sexually transmitted infections from women as women are from men. Besides using your hands, you can also practice using your mouth to place the condom on him.  Using a non-lubricated condom, take the condom out of the package and place the rolled condom in your mouth, against your teeth with the opening facing him. Move your mouth over the tip of his penis and begin slowly unrolling it as you open your mouth to allow him to push forward to unroll the condom onto his penis.  You want to ensure before hand that you’ve inspected his penis.  This is why LIGHTS ON is always the way to enjoy sex on your first encounter; and at least twice a month for married/committed couples. 

Some condoms come with lubrication. Never use a condom with Nonoxynol-9 lubrication. Nonoxynol-9 actually causes problems in women including microscopic tears in the vagina and makes her more susceptible to contracting sexually transmitted infections. Women, as well as men, can suffer an allergic reaction from it as well.  The Center for Disease Control issued a statement against Nonoxynol-9 in the late 90’s, however, some manufactures still have products on the market with it and some birth control products have traces of Nonoxynol-9 in varying amounts; thus ensure to check closely.  It’s also important to understand that some individuals (both male and female) are allergic to latex and may feel a burning sensation after a few minutes of thrusting.  If lubrication isn’t an issue, then consider switching to a polyurethane condom—Avanti sells these.  Never use the animal skin condoms. 

Some medical insurance plans cover the purchase of condoms and lubricants as birth control devices or provide discounts for them.  You’ll have to ask.  Your pharmacist can check for you and let you know; and if your doctor writes a prescription in most cases it’s covered in full.  Condoms can be a bit expensive but isn’t your life and your health worth $18.95.

Tip #4:  Communication:  The key to Great Sex.  Communicating your desires about sex is the key to Great Sex.  Not only is it erotic to hear what your lover wants to do to your body but what they want done to theirs.  Yes, sharing your desires does make you feel vulnerable at times; however, if you don’t trust the person your with to accept all of you, how can you possibly achieve the level of connection and surrender that you’ve always dreamed of with someone you love.  This lack of open communication is what causes infidelity in relationships.  The way I see it:  if your partner rejects you because you want to have sex while you wear pink socks, or are blindfolded, or want to be adventurous or silly, then that’s not the person for you and so long as he/she is in your life, your prince/princess cannot enter; thus, get rid of the frog.  Yes, often times you compromise in relationships and not everything is about sex; however, if your sex life flounders so does your relationship; therefore it’s imperative you share honestly and openly.  Besides, your lover may have been worried that you’d reject him because he wanted to try something new but didn’t know how to approach you with his desires and feared your rejection.  

Another aspect of communications which couples who have children or who’ve recently gotten married experience problems with is the “identity role” they suddenly take with each other.  It’s as if men forget a woman is a “sensual and sexual” human being after she has children and all those kinky adventurous thing you used to do together suddenly stops.  Or now that you’re married…well do married people really have sex? Of course they do and nothing should prevent them from exploring and having fun together.  If you don’t like something, try it again later at least two more times over the next few months.  If you still don’t like it, add it to the “done it” pile and move on to the next.  Anyone that tells me they’re bored with sex merely confirms my suspicion that they’re sex life is lacking and needs some help to rekindle the fires of passion—and that communication is lacking.

Though I don’t believe a woman (or a man) has to reveal their past sexual history, I do believe that they should reveal sexual health history.  By this I mean any sexually transmitted infections which were contracted in the past, even ones that were cured and especially ones that are still present like Herpes, genital warts, HIV, and Hepatitis B.  This is way it’s essential that every couple get tested for sexually transmitted infections prior to being sexual or shortly after if you’re going to continue together.  It’s also important, and in my opinion a sign of your love, to obtain regular testing every six months to ensure your sexual health. It will amaze you to learn that over 70% of all new sexually transmitted infection cases are diagnosed in people who are in monogamous relationships.  This doesn’t necessarily mean your partner is cheating on you, but he/she may have entered the relationship with an infection and didn’t know it.  And if your partner has past difficulties with monogamy, testing every three months along with using condoms regularly is essential.

Tip #5  Mind-Pleasures.  The brain is the most erotic zone in your body and Mind-Pleasures is another tool to use to derive the greatest sexual satisfaction from your relationship. Mind-Pleasures is very simple to use. First you choose who’s going to share first—for this example I’ll assume you (the reader) are a woman.  Sit in a comfortable position with your partner in front of you; ensure to get pillows to rest against. Wrap your arms around him. Let your bodies rest against each other and get accustomed to breathing together; this takes just a few minutes. You can have instrumental music (you don’t want music with words during Mind-Pleasures as that’ll merely distract your partner). Candles add a romantic touch. When you’re ready whisper into his ear one of your fantasies or a story in a book you read that you found erotic.  Allow yourself to become an erotic story teller.  Make it more real by describing how your body or his would feel; those tingling sensations; how your nipples harden at the though of…; how you feel the moisture between your thighs; kiss and nibble his shoulder, his neck if you wish and allow your hands to caress him where you can reach or let him caress himself as you hold him and whisper in his ear. By the time your story is over, there will have been a lot of moans and perhaps a delicious release.  As an added treat, you can use one of the fantasies or desires he shared with you and use Mind-Pleasures to make it come true for him, if only mentally for the moment. You’ll both reap the rewards.  Tomorrow or next week, it can be your turn to be the one held.

Mind-Pleasures is a great way to enhance your sexual relationship without moving into a higher level of sexual intimacy.  For individuals who want to save sex for marriage or wait a few more months to ensure the relationship will last, Mind-Pleasures allows you to be sexy, provocative, and adventurous without the actual penal/vaginal penetration.  You can even incorporate mutual masturbation if you’d like—even get a little Kinky and bind your partner to prevent him/her from touching themselves or you.  It’s just another way to have sensual fun. Enjoy it.

Tip #6  Manos de Oro.  Manos de Oro is what I call that delicious pleasure you can give yourself or your partner, and of course share simultaneously—masturbation.  Manos de Oro isn’t restricted to only single man and women but should be part of your sexual repertoire as a couple as well.  It allows you to concentrate on touch and desire.  Notice how your partner breathes, how his/her chest rises wanting your touch. Hear their whispered moans and later, as things becoming more sensual an intense, their demands for release.  Share with your partner the beauty of letting them touch your body so sensually and erotically that it takes your breath away.  Use blindfolds to help your partner (or both of you) derive greater pleasure from touching as it makes your senses go wild with anticipation.  You can also incorporate sexual toys or other sensations into your mutual masturbation such as a feather, or fur, or the petals of a soft flower—even a little bit of ice.  The body is an unending treasure trove of nerve-endings; explore it all.  Discover which areas are more erogenous and what is desired on it.  Just because one place was erogenous as you caressed over it with your fingers, doesn’t mean it’ll experience the same reaction from your mouth, or the feather, or any other object.  Become a “Sensual Scientist” and make your own experiments.  I can guarantee the discoveries will be worth it. And of course, just because it felt great to explore in your room on the bed, doesn’t mean that’s the only place to do so.  Discover for yourself what it feels like if you were in your car, or on a beach, or in the shower.  Be naughty!  If you deserve a spanking for it….well that’s just a whole other pleasure as well, isn’t it? 

Tip #7  Sensual Massage.  Most individuals overlook this highly erotic form of pleasure.  The essence behind a Sensual Massage is not to reach orgasm but to share a sensual experience with your partner.  If an orgasm occurs that’s nice; however, it’s not the goal.  The secret to a sensual massage is taking your time.  There is no rush. Ensure to put aside at least an hour or two without interruptions.  Keep the focus on you and your partner.  Touch him the way you’d like to be touched.  That slow soothing touch you crave from your lover should be the same touch you share with him now.  Don’t be afraid to ask for his/her input and vary your touch accordingly.  Some areas will require a softer caress and others a stronger kneading.  You may be surprised which area on your partner’s body requires which.  Some wonderful videos on Sensual Massage I’ve seen are produced by Dr. Joseph Kramer:  Fire on the Mountain: Male Genital Massage; Fire in the Valley: Female Genital Massage; and Anal Massage for Relaxation and Pleasure.  These videos are quiet enlightening and have tons of valuable information. Watch them alone or with your partner.  Don’t worry if you’re single, you can learn how to perform a sensual massage and teach it to your partner when he/she arrives in your life.  There’s no law that says you can’t discover on your own.  Be the Sensual Scientist! I’m sure you can find many volunteers who would be more than happy to allow you to work at perfecting your skill level.

Tip #8:  Oral Sex.  Oral sex (Del Corazon—as I like to call it) is one of those experiences you have to experiment with to gain comfortable. Try it with and without barriers (condoms and dental dams).  Use flavored lubricants.  You want to ensure not to introduce the flavored lubricants into the vagina as the sugar in flavored lubricants will disrupt the Ph-balance in your vagina.  Another issue with oral sex is whether or not to swallow your partner’s semen.  If you’re using a condom, this isn’t an issue.  If you’re doing it “bare”, then the decision is a personal one.  You could taste a little, let it drip out of your mouth, spit it into a towel, or have him tell you when he’s about to ejaculate so you can aim his penis elsewhere.  Some women enjoy the taste of semen, other’s only like the taste of pre-cum (that clear fluid that seeps from his penis tip when he’s aroused).  The choice is yours.  You may notice a difference in the taste if he’s on medication, or if he’s smoking, drinking or doing a lot of junk food.  To make it taste better, ensure to limit alcohol and smoking (which causes impotency) and have him eat a more healthy diet.  The same is true for the taste of women’s vaginal juices.

Another consideration to oral sex is smell. If you’ve been working all day, taking a quick shower before being intimate with your partner.  This will not only revitalize you but well ensure you smell fresh.  For a more intimate approach, allow your partner to wash you with a small clothe as they enjoy your whimpers.  Don’t forget, oral sex isn’t limited to the bedroom and definitely not laying down.  It can be done anywhere, at anytime, in any position.  You’re the adult, you decide. 

Tip# 9:  Anal Sex.  The one thing to remember about anal sex is:  if it hurts, you’re doing it wrong!  Like with a sensual massage, anal sex should take time.  It’s not about thrusting and getting it over with. It’s about sharing and surrendering.  I call this position, El Entrego, based on the fact that you’re surrendering yourself to your partner not just physically but emotionally as well.  It’s important to use sufficient lubrication for penetration whether with a penis, a finger or a toy.  There’s no such thing as too much lubrication.  The more—the better.  The partner doing the penetration needs to go slowly. The anus is not a straight canal it actually curves in two places.  Thus, if you thrust in quickly, you will actually hit the rectal wall and case pain.  This is true of both male and female anal penetration.  Let your partner get accustomed to the rhythm of your body moving against theirs as you slowly press into their anus and move around.  You can increase the tempo when you’re both ready.  Let your partner show you the way.  It’s also helpful if your partner is on top or laying on their side so they can control the depth of penetration.  If your partner is on their hands and knees, doggie style, you can guide their hips back toward you allowing them to set the rhythm and push back against you, taking you deeper.  

A major misconception is that straight men who enjoy anal sex are closet homosexuals.  This is not true. The male G-spot is his prostrate which is located in his anus. Also the mere fact that anal sex has it’s restrictions and taboos is another lure. El Entrego, is one of the most giving and vulnerable sexual experiences you can have; it affects your psyche and your identify, what a gift he is offering to you (and you to him) if he shares that desire with you—treasure it; honor it—and embrace all your sexual potential.

Tip #10  Spirituality and self acceptance,  Bringing the divine into your sexual life honors you and your partner.  This can be done through marriage or by making a commitment to each other and honoring the spirit in both of you.  All too often we forget that taking a moment to light a candle or play soft music or give thanks is another for of self-acceptance and connecting with the divine.  Without knowing yourself, you can never truly know your partner; therefore get in touch with how you really feel and change those aspects of yourself you know care for or don’t like; or accept yourself as you are and move forward.  Develop a few rituals of your own and share them with your partner to make your love making more spiritual.  Look into Tantra and Taoism and discover the many ways they incorporate breath and spirit into sex.  Awaken the chakras in your body to derive more energy and greater sexual satisfaction.  As with anything else, incorporate what resonates with you and discard the rest.

One final point before I end this article.  Some of the sexual techniques which you find erotic may be steeped in guilt and shame.  As an adult, you should decide what’s right for you.  Never let another individual, regardless of who they are, to dictate what you can and cannot do with your own body and how you experience pleasure or express your love. You are no longer a child. The rules that applied to you as a child or teenager no longer apply to the adult you.  So long as your actions are with another consenting adult, do what makes you happy and toss the guilt and shame in the trash where it belongs.  This exercise my help you overcome some of your emotional difficulties:  If you feel guilty or feel any shame about that orgasmically erotic encounter you shared with your partner or another individual (not based on infidelity)l, write yourself a letter and explanation all the reasons why you feel that way.  After you’re done, put the letter in an envelope, seal it, and read it tomorrow.  Once you read it, decide if you still want to believe everything you wrote or if you want to modify a few points which no longer apply to you; then write yourself a response.  Now that you’ve fully address the situation, let it rest and move on.  You don’t have to punish yourself for your desires to explore and embrace your sexuality fully.  If it didn’t feel right for you, chalk it up to a new sexual experience and move on.  Maybe in a few months or with a different partner you may want to try again.  The choice is always yours.  Isn’t it about time you reclaim your sensual and sexual divinity and derived pleasure from your sex life.  If not now, when?