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Sexual Abuse of children
Dra. Charley Ferrer
Nothing is more devastating or more tragic
than the physical or sexual
abuse of our children. The trauma and pain a child experiences
lasts
for decades, even a lifetime; but it doesn’t end there.
The trauma and pain is pasted down to the next generation
through their children and their grandchildren and so on.
According to estimates from the Community
Learning Center in Venezuela
10 to 20% of the child population has been sexually abused,
yet only one case in ten is ever reported. In another study
made by FUNDA-CI and CISFEM indicated that some 40,000 children
and adolescents were being prostituted in Venezuela
during 1994. In a study on Latina sexuality conducted by
The Ferrer Institute in 2000, 12% of the participants had
indicated they experienced rape or incest by the time they
were twelve years old. It’s estimated that one 1 in
3 girls and 1 in 5 boys will be victims of sexual abused before
the age of 18; and girls between the ages of 11 to 17 are
three times more likely to be raped than boys.
The misconception regarding child sexual
abuses is that the perpetrator (the abuser) is a stranger
when in fact most times it is by someone they know. Yes, sad
as it may be most sexual abuse against children is done by
family members, neighbors, friends, even other children. The
abuse can be sexual to include intercourse, oral and anal
sex, digital penetration, or use of an object in conjunction
with penetration. Non-sexual methods of abuse include photographing
the child for sexual purposes; showing the child pornographic
material; masturbating in front of the child; making the child
witness others being sexual; and even ridiculing the child’s
sexual development, preferences or genitalia.
How can we change these statistics?
What can we do to keep our children safe?
How can we be more vigilant to ensure that our children are
given the chance to grow up in a safe environment and lead
healthy lives? What more can we do that we are not already
doing?
It’s important to talk to your children
about sex—in an age appropriate manner. You’re
already doing it. Here are a few examples: every time you
tell them it’s “their body and no one is suppose
to touch their private parts”; when you talk to your
daughter about her menstrual cycle and wearing a bra; when
you talk to your son about his semen coming in as he reaches
puberty (something we often forget to do and would assuage
our son’s fears); when you talk to your daughter about
how she’s suppose to sit like a lady; or as they get
older when you talk about sex and love and condoms. These
are all ways we teach our children healthy sexual behaviors.
Ironically however, we also contradict ourselves
at times confusing our children or denying them the boundaries
and safeguards we gave them for their protection. For example:
we tell children it’s their body, yet we force them
to hug and kiss a relative (yes, even their grandparents or
aunts and uncles). Though this may be our cultural custom—to
kiss and hug upon greeting or departing, it instills in children
the idea that it’s their body but they have no rights
and no boundaries when it comes to relatives. And since most
children are abused by non-strangers, we are opening the door
to possible abuse. Instead of forcing the child to give hugs
and kisses when they don’t wish, explain to the adult
that you are teaching your child to set boundaries for themselves
and enlist their help. Yes, I know this is difficult. I went
through it with my mother when my son decided he didn’t
want hugs and kisses during one of her visits. Even if there
are a few hurt feelings, the fact that you’re reinforcing
your child’s right to “not be touched” ensures
their emotional health and reinforces your teachings.
When we tell children they should tell us
if anyone touches their “private parts” (chest,
buttocks, and genitals) and merely dismiss their complaints
when they say the neighbor kid slapped their bottom because
we thought it merely a playful spank on the culito,
we negated everything we thought them about having the right
to set boundaries for their body. The also learn that their
concerns didn’t matter. One of the most common complaints
from children is unwanted tickling and yet most adults see
nothing wrong with this. However, remember, if you’re
telling a child it’s their body, then what right does
anyone have to tickle them when it’s uncomfortable for
the child and makes them feel bad? The most appropriate thing
to do is to listen attentively, praise the child for telling
you, then have a talk with the adult or friend about the healthy
boundaries you’re trying to set for your child and enlist
their assistance.
It’s essential that we create a safe
haven for children to talk about sex. If you are too embarrassed
to talk to them about sex, ask a trusted friend to talk to
them for you, with you present or taking into consideration
your values and what you’d like your child to know.
Or employ the services of a counselor or sex therapist to
discuss these issues with them. If you make sex a taboo subject,
then whom do your children have to go to when they have concerns,
or God forbid when they’ve been assaulted.
Taking to your children about sex
Almost every parent dreads the question,
“where do baby’s come from” and “what
is sex”? It’s the feelings of inadequacies or
embarrassment that pledges men and women when talking to their
children about sex. Remember this: our children are bombarded
with sexual images every day. From the music they listen
to, the commercials on television, even the advertisement
on the buses and billboards around town. And let’s not
forget all the misinformation they receive from their friends
or listening to other children talking. Isn’t it about
time you started providing the accurate information? By talking
to your children about sex, you can provide them with your
values, your hopes for their future, your wishes that they
wait until a certain age before being sexual or wait until
marriage. Then again you might decide to set limits for them
and age constraints. For example, kissing and touching are
alright but nothing more until their at least 17 or 18 years
old when they can make more appropriate decisions for themselves.
Studies show that adolescents who are taught
the truth about sex, its consequences, and ways to prevent
sexually transmitted diseases, wait longer to engage in sexual
activities and have fewer teen pregnancies than adolescents
who were taught abstinence only education. The old belief
that if you talk to adolescents about sex they’re run
out and do it is false. If children ran out to do everything
you talk to them about, their rooms would never be dirty.
By talking to your teenagers about sex, you’re sharing
your values and your boundaries with them, nothing more.
Lies and treats aren’t necessary and in fact are detrimental
to their health. Remind them that if they want to make adult
decisions (have sex) they should behind like responsible adults
and protect themselves against possible consequences such
as pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections by using condoms
and birth control medication.
Warning Signs
There are several warning signs that you
can notice in children who have experienced sexual abuse.
These include: abrupt changes in behavior or personality,
aggressive behavior, temper tantrums, excessive crying, depression,
over compliance, school adjustment problems, a sudden drop
in school performance, self-mutilation, suicidal ideation/gestures/attempts,
flashbacks, nightmares, hyper-vigilance, lack of trust, isolation,
and lack of friendships. Even sexualized play and promiscuity
are warning signs as the individual is trying to reclaim what
was stolen from them.
Overcoming past trauma
Children don’t stay children. Thus,
as adults many still suffer from the after effects of shock,
depression, and anxiety. The most common effect is PTSD,
post traumatic stress disorder. PTSD can become a chronic
debilitating illness which stretches far into adulthood.
Other emotional and development problems
due to sexual abuse as a child are alcohol and substance abuse,
sexual dysfunctions, depression and anxiety, poor self-esteem
(which can also lead to abusive relationships), promiscuity,
self-mutilation, self-sabotage and feelings of worthlessness,
lack of trust issues, suicide attempts, and other emotional
health issues.
Though there is nothing we can do to make
past events disappear, there are ways to help pick up the
pieces and help our children (girls and boys) develop into
healthy adults. The same is true of assisting men and women
who’ve experienced sexual trauma in the past to reclaim
their right to a healthy sexual life.
Treatment options and alternatives
A few of the options available for children
are: enlisting the services of a therapist who specialists
in child trauma. If the youngster is adamant about pressing
charges, support their decision. If you do not, this may
feel like a betrayal on your part. Remember children feel
the need to talk about their hardships. Remember all the
times they talked about how they scraped their knee. You can
help them tailor whom they reveal their experience to reassuring
them that it’s not bad to talk about it. In some instances,
children are more traumatized by the reaction of the person
their telling; thus watch your response. Reassure them it
wasn’t their fault, that you still love them, and that
you’ll protect them for the perpetrator. Most of all,
that you still love them and want them in your life.
A few of the options for adults: finding
a psychotherapist or sex therapist that can help you reclaim
your divine sexuality is paramount. If you are having flashbacks
(recurrent fears or thoughts/images of the abuse) while you’re
with your partner, stop what you’re doing and reorient
yourself to the here and now. Find five things in the room
that are blue. Say your partner’s name out loud. Say
your age and today’s date out loud repeatedly. Have
your partner hold onto you and whisper a few words you may
have previously discussed that will remind you that you are
safe. Choose sexual positions which allow you to feel safe
or be able to see your partner’s face. Use mirrors
in your bedroom, which allow you to see yourself on the bed
so when you feel anxious you can look into the mirror and
see whom you are with and that you’re safe and it is
not the abuser from your nightmares. There are several books
on the market that deal with childhood trauma including The
Courage to Heal and my own book Para La Mujer Sensual
which has an entire chapter dedicated to overcoming past sexual
trauma. And of course, there is the use of crisis hotlines
and trusted friends.
Whatever works best for you is what I always
recommend. If you’re not sure, keep exploring. Remember
not every therapist specializes in sexual trauma or is comfortable
speaking of such. When looking for a therapist, find the
one you feel most comfortable with. If after four sessions
you cannot bring yourself to open up, consider another. If
you’ve already been to three or four therapist, consider
the fact that perhaps you’re not comfortable enough
with yourself to feel vulnerable again and need to have faith
that the therapist will not judge you; or continue looking
if you feel you just haven’t found the right person
to be that open with. Regardless of what you decide, remember,
you have the right to sexual freedom and a healthy sexual
lifestyle. You are now in control of your life. You are no
longer the defenseless child but the mature adult who can
protect themselves and/or contact others, such as the police,
to help keep you safe.
Dr. Charley Ferrer is a Clinical Sexologist.
She welcomes you comments and questions. Please contact her
at ferrerinstitute@aol.com
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